October Through a Griever's Eyes

For most families, October feels magical. The air turns crisp, the leaves blaze gold and red, and weekends fill with apple-picking, pumpkin patches, and hayrides. Children squeal over costumes and candy. Parents snap photos for holiday cards against the backdrop of fiery foliage. It’s a season of cozy rituals and playful spookiness.

But for those of us living with the loss of a child, October can feel like a minefield.

Family Photos Without the Whole Family

Everywhere we look, friends are gathering for fall photo shoots — in fields, on porches, under trees. For grieving parents, those images can pierce. When one of your family members is missing, it’s excruciating to imagine how to take a new picture. Do you include a symbol? An empty chair? Nothing at all? There’s no easy answer. Many of us, myself included, choose to opt out entirely, which is another kind of loss. I haven’t sent a holiday card since William died over six years ago. The absence shows up not just in the photograph but in the ritual itself.

Halloween’s Hidden Triggers

Even Halloween — a holiday meant to be lighthearted — can cut deep. Front yards transform into make-believe cemeteries, complete with gravestones and skeletons. For families who actually visit a child’s grave, these decorations aren’t fun or spooky; they’re reminders of the real cemetery where we grieve.

And then there are costumes. In our house, family-theme costumes were once a tradition. After William died, the idea of dressing up together felt unbearable. It underscored the empty space where he should have been.

A Season That Demands Gentleness

October’s beauty and traditions aren’t the problem. But for bereaved families, this season can heighten grief in ways invisible to others. If you have a friend or colleague who is newly bereaved, tread gently. Don’t be surprised if they sit out the photo sessions, skip the costumes, or decline the party invitation. Their absence isn’t indifference — it’s survival.

The cozy rituals of fall will always belong to the living. For those of us who carry loss, October is both lovely and brutal. Your understanding — your willingness to see the minefields under the pumpkins — can make this season a little less lonely for the grieving families around you.

William aka Skeleton Knight, Susie aka Skeleton Mom, Nick aka Big Grim Reaper, Kai aka Little Grim Reaper. Yes, really.